The Final Days

We've moved into the final days of my father's life.  I feel sad, of course, but also I'm hopeful that when the time finally comes he'll slip painlessly & calmly into "that good night".  The speed with which this illness has sapped him of life has left me stunned.  It leaves me with a feeling of confusion & fear.  I'm scared to realize how quickly this could happen to others I love. Fear of death has become a focus for Teddy too.  In order to wrap his mind around what is happening, he's been talking to Alan a lot.  It touches me to see how much my sweet boy wants to spare my feelings by not talking about it with me, but I know we'll need to discuss it eventually, just he & I.  For right now, Alan has been answering Teddy's questions very honestly & frankly, but also with his ability to understand in mind.  Grandpa is on his way to the Rainbow Bridge--this is an image we've used with Teddy since our old dog Raider died 4 years ago.  It's a wonderful place where our loved ones wait for us until we eventually meet them there.  But Teddy is scared that others are going to suddenly die now too, like Grandma.  Or, as he's had nightmares about, his own dad.  He's constantly asking how old everyone is.  But he's not sure which ages are older & which are younger, & that adds to his fear & confusion.  He sometimes thinks I'm older than both his grandmas, & you can see the fear cross his face. Teddy knows my dad is 71.  And now he's scared that that is the end number.  I know that time will heal his sadness, probably faster than mine.  He's a resilient child, as they all tend to be.  But his life will change a great deal once his beloved Grandpa is gone.  And I think that is what I mourn more than anything.