Pictures in my Mind

Dad passed away at about 3:30 PM on the 5th. I haven't really been able to write about until now. I really thought that since he'd been suffering so much at the end that I would just be relieved that he had finally gotten some relief. But it was a crushing blow. I'm slowly getting to where I don't just break down in tears 10 times a day, but I also know that I'm kidding myself if I think I'll be over this soon.

The hardest part of my father's death has been the way Teddy has reacted to it. Alan & I have noticed over the years that when something very upsetting happens to Teddy (death of our dog, Raider, for example), he doesn't cry. First, he wants to hear over & over the story of what happened. Then he acts out very aggressively for awhile. Then he slowly adjusts to his new reality.

The worst thing he's had to deal with up to now was the death of an old dog that didn't do much but sleep all the time. My dad's death has thrown him for a loop. Tears still haven't come, & I don't know if they ever will. At first he wanted to hear the story of his grandpa's death over & over, but when he realized that it made me cry to talk about it, he stopped asking. But now he's been dealing with it in his own, confused, way.

Yesterday he trashed his room. All the clothes in his closet, some of the pictures on his wall, many containers that toys are in--all thrown into a corner. A lot of yelling & name calling. Some small bits of destruction outside. And an unwillingness to do anything outside the house that didn't involve a potentially volatile situation. It has been so hard watching him not be able to deal with his emotions, & also have to deal with my own. My temper has been short with him & I've just wanted him to leave me alone. I feel guilty when I park him in front of the TV for long periods of time, but when I try to do anything with him it backfires into a screaming, yelling mess.

I know time will heal these wounds eventually, but when you're dealing with a child with developmental disabilities everything takes longer. It's going to be a long, hard road ahead.

The picture above doesn't seem like a very good one at first glance. Heck, you can only see the back of my dad's head--it's mostly a picture of Teddy & my mom. But if you look at it closely, you can see Teddy looking at Dad. I know my dad was smiling at Ted--he always smiled & made children laugh & feel comfortable around him. And the look on Teddy's face seems to be saying, "I think I like you. You're funny." I just know Teddy's face broke out in a huge smile right after the picture was shot. He sure loved his Grandpa.

I have very, very few pictures of Teddy & my dad. Heck, when you have a kid that doesn't sit still & doesn't like to be touched, you don't get too many good shots. I just keep remembering the pictures in my mind, of Teddy walking off down the road at my folks house holding Dad's hand, off to take a hike. I asked Teddy yesterday what he'll miss most about Grandpa. He said, "Taking walks with him. That was fun."