For one thing, we decided to try having an exchange student again. I know, we're idiots. This isn't news, actually. But both Alan & I wanted to exorcise the demons left by last year. Last year was very definitely a fail. I really regret how I handled the whole affair. I wish I were a more compassionate person, better able to have understood & spent time with our student from last year. Maybe things would have turned out differently. But hindsight is 20/20 & after our student moved out I was just relieved. This person couldn't handle Teddy at all, & I was just glad not to have another person I felt responsible for.
I already feel, at times, like I'm taking care of everyone else's spirits. My spirits most of the time seem immaterial. But when I thought about the horrible feeling I had at the end of the school year when we were supposed to be seeing someone off for home, someone who was supposed to miss us, but didn't, I started to think about things. I started to realize that maybe I wasn't all powerful--it didn't matter a hill of beans what I could have done, maybe this just wasn't meant to work out. And I thought I would like to try this again, but with a different attitude: this wasn't my exchange trip. This was the student's. And it was up to them to have a good time or not. I could be supportive & provide all the necessary things, like food & shelter, but I couldn't make the trip more for them than what they wanted it to be. I wasn't in control.
So we did it again. And so far, it's working out much better. I don't chastise myself for every problem. And I'm staying positive about the whole thing, which helps my attitude & makes me feel better. Hence, I'm in a better mood.
All that said, it's been very very stressful around here. Teddy is having breakthrough seizures at least once a week, if not more often. We've had to implement an Emergency Seizure Protocol at school so they can administer emergency meds if he has 2 or more in a day. And Teddy is growing like a weed! 5'1" & 113 lbs!! So that makes the seizures even more out of control.
His self esteem is painfully low. I know this is a hard time of life anyway, I pretty much hated myself from 5th grade to 10th grade, but having a brain injury on top of the usual drama makes it that much harder. He's sure his teachers hate him because he can't do the work as quickly or as well as the other kids, even the other special ed kids. He's constantly calling himself names & feeling lower than whale shit, as the saying goes. Alan & I try to keep his spirits up & praise him all the time, but what do you do with a 113 lb kid who's having a meltdown & doesn't want to? His own issues come back & bite him every time.
I've tried contacting another psychiatrist to see what he thinks, but getting through all their "security guards" to actually talk to the doctor is more than a little annoying. A rude woman who triage's patients for this latest doctor acted like a had just spit on the pope's ring when I said I was busy driving at the time of her call & couldn't talk to her right then about Teddy's challenges (& it went without saying that Teddy was in the car at the time & he doesn't need to hear me dragging out a laundry list of his behavior challenges in front of him!). "Well," she said, "I can try to call you Monday between patients. It will be whenever I can fit you in." And I wish to God I'd thought fast enough to retort to her, "I'll hope you call when I can fit you in!"
Ah well. But at least we've had some good fall weather. Teddy has enjoyed raking leaves like crazy & Ginger has been running around like a maniac, as always. Mary Ann has been contentedly crunching Meow Mix on the front porch & acting insane with hunger when her bowl in empty. And her good friend Twinkie Cat has been visiting her. Sometimes on the cool nights they curl up together to stay warm.
I hope everyone reading this is having a good fall! Take care & I'll write more soon!
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